4 weeks ago; March 28 – 2018, our lives changed for good. What started as a normal morning quickly changed into a super fast ‘getting ready and going to the hospital’ event. Niels and I were both excited and nervous at the same time to meet our miracle. I didn’t know what kind of level of pain to expect, but I thought it couldn’t be that bad… Well, I was wrong, so wrong. I did some cursing, some soft screaming because I didn’t want other people to hear me, some shouting at Niels (I’m sorry, myhubby), some laughing from pain,… Thank God for the existence of an epidural. I could not have done it without this kind of pain relief; definitely not for our first child. They did give me a strong epidural, because I didn’t feel my legs at all anymore. Which at some points during labor turned out to be funny, because when I had to turn to my sides or change position, my legs felt like lead and I couldn’t move them at all. I think I mentioned that a few times during labor… And then, by the evening, he was there. Our beautiful, healthy son! We named him Cesar, a name linked to a very special person, my grandfather, my hero! The start of our new chapter.
Nothing can really prepare you for the sheer overwhelming experience of what it means to become a mother. It is full of complex emotions of joy, exhaustion, love and worry all mixed together. Your fundamental identity changes overnight. You go from thinking of yourself as primarily an individual to suddenly being a mother, first and foremost.
~ Catherine Middleton ~
Nothing at all could have prepared us for parenthood and myself for motherhood. Like really nothing at all! You can do some reading, talk to other ‘new parents’, talk to your own parents for tips and advice,… but in the end you can never be totally ready for what is to come. We knew things were going to be hard the first few weeks, maybe even months. Which is totally normal, since it is something we haven’t done before. A lot of sleepless nights, breastfeeding aches – it hurts so much sometimes -, and then the ‘Baby Blues’. Holy crap, I’m usually not someone who cries a lot, but those ‘Baby Blues’ are bad. There are days were I can’t seem to stop crying and I don’t even know why I’m crying. But the hardest part of all is the crying of Cesar. He got a pretty good set of lungs, and oh boy when he cries/screams you sometimes just want to run away, because it is that heartbreaking and it seems like there is nothing you can do to make him feel better. That is the moment where I feel the most useless as mother. Not knowing why he is crying and feeling helpless because of it. Motherhood is a huge challenge, an overwhelming experience,.. Usually only the good things are being told about having a baby, but that is just one side of it. It is totally worth it though; the good and the bad moments/days, the crying and the laughter, the exhaustion, the love that you didn’t think could be any stronger for your partner and for your child… The miracle of life! Seeing Cesar grow and thrive every single day is wonderful to see and worthy of all of the mixed feelings.